The challenges to maintaining civility and professionalism in the Collaborative Process

As we all know, the collaborative process is an alternative and healthier method of helping families resolve family legal interests.  While our own behavior remains within our control, there are outside factors that are not within our control that can make the collaborative process challenging.  One example is working with a non-collaborative attorney within the collaborative process.  I know.  This sounds ironic.  However, we can all imagine and some may have even experienced situations in which this occurs. 

Picture a professional who is defensive and focuses on positions instead of interests even within the process.  Every time you attempt to speak and stick to the issues that need to be resolved, the other professional questions what you say and there appears to be a lack of trust.  How can you maneuver the situation to be able to ensure that the clients are well represented, and the process is successful?

  1. Communicate clearly with that professional.   Having an open and honest discussion in a direct yet calm manner and understanding the other professional’s point of view is a great way to begin to break down the barriers of the challenge.
  2. Focus on interests and not positions.   The collaborative process, as we know, is about addressing the families’ interests opposed to their positions.  Being reminded that this is one of the key distinctions the collaborative process upholds, contrary to litigation, is helpful.  Obtaining the reason behind why one of the clients feels so strongly about an issue is important to be able to help them problem solve and come up with a resolution that would meet their true interests and not what appears to be what they want on the surface.  This has long-term, positive results as you are focusing on the root cause of the issue and not viewing any other professional as working against you.
  3. Involve a neutral facilitator.  One of the many things I love about the collaborative process is being able to work with neutral facilitators who are skilled in assisting the attorneys in the process and other professionals to focus on the clients’ interests and help calm the clients’ emotions so that the other professionals are able to focus on providing the quality services they are skilled in.  If there are ever times when the professionals are at odds and taking on their clients’ issues as if they were their own, the neutral facilitator helps to put things in their proper perspective in order for everyone to remain resolution focused as a team.
  4. Set boundaries and consequences.  Family law can be one of the most emotionally draining professions.  As such, it is very important that boundaries are set between the professionals and their clients at the onset of the professional relationship.  The level and method of boundary setting is different for each person.  For me, in addition to advocating for families’ legal interests through the collaborative process it is important to maintain peace of mind, spend quality time with my husband, our three daughters, family, and friends, and have time for myself.  How do I accomplish this?  Having excellent time management skills is instrumental to me.  I systematically organize my calendar in a way where I am able to dedicate quality time to all things that are important to me.  When I am working with the team on a collaborative case, I am focused and that is my time to represent my clients’ legal interests.  We will have discussions offline to ensure a productive flow of the process and for them to obtain answers.  There are coordinated days and times this occurs, and we commit to sticking with those set days and times, absent an emergency, which we define as physical or sexual abuse, death, or neglect.  If a client or clients are not able to respect the boundaries agreed upon at the onset, a discussion occurs to determine whether or not the attorney-client relationship will continue. 
  5. Document and address concerns.  Sometimes there are issues that constantly arise and must be addressed as soon as possible to avoid a breakdown in the collaborative process.  One way of handling this and ensuring effective communication between the team, is to memorialize the concerns in writing and to agree on a day and time to discuss the issues in a direct, professional manner.  The collaborative process is about maintaining openness, honesty, civility, and professionalism.  While the issues we as professionals encounter in these cases can be extremely challenging as we are tasked with helping families who are in the midst of traumatic times to transition them in a positive, healthy, and holistic way, we must remind ourselves that the process is here to support us and allows us to work together.  There is no, “I” in the collaborative process.  Brainstorming and being creative in problem solving together as a united front is key.

In summary, contrary to popular belief, the collaborative process, from my experience, has not been a kumbaya encounter.  Families are hurting, angry, resentful, etc. and need the support of their attorneys and other professionals to help set them up for success in the present and in the future.  In order to do this, the professional team must maintain unity, civility, and professionalism even if there are differing interests, values, and opinions to accomplish this goal.  For more information on the collaborative process and connecting with professionals internationally for additional support, check out: www.collaborativepractice.com/aboutus.

By K. Malaika Walton, IACP Executive Director June 25, 2026
IACP seeks to partner with an organization to host an international Collaborative Practice conference in 2027 outside of the United States or Canada.
By William Hogg LL.M June 10, 2026
Reflection from William Hogg LL.M: I am writing this on the flight back to London, which probably explains the slightly scattered nature of what follows. I have just spent three days in Basel and I am still letting it all sink in. I had been looking forward to this conference for a long time. It did not disappoint. Basel was a wonderful setting, and the programme gave us a lot to think about. There were moments where the quality of discussion really stood out, not because it felt overly polished, but because people were speaking from experience. From 4th to 6th June, I joined professionals from across Europe for a conference on ethical challenges in Collaborative Law and Practice, hosted by Collaborative Law & Practice Switzerland together with the European Network for Collaborative Practice . As a board member of the ENCP, and of the Family Mediators Association here in the UK, this is a community I have been part of and championed for years. Being in Basel with so many of its members in person was a genuine pleasure. Lawyers, mediators, financial advisers and coaches. People who spend their working lives with families at the worst moments those families will ever face. There was something unusual about being in a room like that. Everyone seemed to be there for the same reason, and it was not really a commercial one. They wanted to know how to do this work better. How to cause less damage. How to help people get through separation with a bit more of their dignity intact. That is what I have come away thinking about most. We tend to talk about family law in technical language. Disclosure, negotiation, orders, hearings, outcomes. All of it matters and none of it is going away. But underneath every one of those words is a person who is frightened, grieving, or watching a future they had planned for simply dissolve. Collaborative Practice starts from that fact rather than working around it. It asks us to care about how someone arrives at the answer, not only what the answer is. For anyone who has not come across it, Collaborative Law is a structured way of resolving family matters without going to court. The clients and their advisers agree to work things out around a table. It relies on honesty, good preparation, and a genuine willingness to solve the problem instead of trying to win. That idea is not new. What felt new in Basel was how hard people are now pushing on the detail. How do you build a proper team around a client. How do you spot a power imbalance before it does harm rather than after. How do you let a child's voice into the process without putting a child in the middle of it. How do you adapt when the person across the table is anxious, neurodiverse, or so overwhelmed they can barely take in what is being said. These are not seminar questions. They are the things that actually decide whether a case goes well or badly. The ethics theme ran through all of it, and rightly so. In Collaborative work ethics are not a footnote. They are the foundation. If one person does not feel safe enough to speak honestly, the process has already failed, however civilised it looks from the outside. If the advisers lose sight of who they are really there to serve, the trust that holds everything together starts to go. A room can be perfectly polite and still be deeply unfair. The same point kept coming back in different sessions. Goodwill on its own is not enough. You need skill, you need structure, and you need to keep questioning yourself. You have to be confident enough to give your client proper advice, and disciplined enough not to throw petrol on the conflict while you do it. You have to ask your client to be open, while accepting that openness is only possible if you have built the conditions for it. That is the part I find genuinely exciting. The principles are old. The way the ENCP and its members are developing them across Europe feels very much alive. There is a real appetite to keep improving, to borrow from how other jurisdictions do things, and to keep asking the uncomfortable question of whether the process is actually helping the families who use it. I came away energised and proud to be part of this community. A special mention to some of the standout contributions over the three days. Shireen B. Meistrich from the US, was excellent, as were lawyers Marc Sheridan and Jacinta Gallant , and Alicia Farran of Our FamilyWizard in the UK. Federica Marabini , Michela Tonini and Sofia Tremolada gave a superb group presentation as a Collaborative team from Italy, and Swiss speakers Titus Thoma and Stefanie Santschi rounded things off beautifully. Thank you all. You are a large part of what made the three days so worthwhile. One thing I keep returning to is that Collaborative work refuses the assumption that separation has to be a fight. Plenty of cases do need a courtroom. Some clients need the protection that only a court can give, and I would never pretend otherwise. Collaborative Practice is not for everyone, and anyone who sells it as a cure for everything is overselling it. But for the right people it can change everything. It gives them somewhere to be supported without being backed into a corner. It lets the hard conversations happen with someone in the room to guide them. It nudges everyone to look past the argument in front of them and towards the life the family still has to live. That matters most when there are children. Two people might stop being a couple and still have to spend the next twenty years being parents together. How the legal process is handled can make that future a little easier or a good deal harder. So, I am grateful to the organisers for three genuinely valuable days, and reassured that there is a serious, thoughtful community of people across Europe who care deeply about getting this right. I am not bringing home one tidy lesson. It is more a reminder. Family law can keep evolving. An established process can still feel fresh when people apply it with imagination and a bit of care. And when professionals work together properly, with integrity and real concern for the person in the middle of it, the client is the one who benefits. That is how we try to think about family law at Laurus . The question is never simply what the legal route is. It is what the right route is for this client, this family and this particular moment in their life. Basel was a good reminder of why that question is the one that matters.
By Heather Theisen-Gandara May 3, 2026
A perspective on the three key areas in which divorce coaching adds value the broader ecosystem of divorce support and the Collaborative divorce process.
By Michael P. Sampson April 3, 2026
Learn more about the roots of Collaborative Practice which led to thousands of professionals globally help people resolve disputes respectfully out of court.
By Melissa Murphy Pavone April 3, 2026
This article explores how a proactive, team-driven approach can transform divorce from a reactive, adversarial process into a more intentional, amicable path forward.
By Ross Evans January 27, 2026
A blog about the role of practice group pods strengthening community in Collaborative Practice groups.
By Adam Cordover and Dr. Randy Heller January 8, 2026
Authors Adam B. Cordover and Dr. Randy Heller explain how teams around the globe can use the insights from a decade of survey data from Florida Collaborative matters
By Dr. Deb Gilman December 1, 2025
Twelve days. Two homes. One goal: giving your child a holiday season that feels safe, steady, and truly joyful.
By Ria Severance, LMFT November 19, 2025
Learn how a licensed mediating divorce specialists trained to collaborate – get you a cost-effective divorce that covers all your bases.
A woman is sitting at a table with her arms crossed and smiling.
By Dr. Randy Heller August 23, 2025
Kevin Scudder Higher Education Scholarship Fund, developed to carry on Kevin's legacy and train Law and Graduate students to become Collaboratively trained.