12 Days of Co-Parenting Calm

Guest Post by: Deb Gilman

Day 1: A Partridge in a Calm Tree — Regulate First Start with emotional regulation. Before any transition, conversation, or plan… breathe. Your nervous system sets the tone for your child’s nervous system. 


Day 2: Two Homes, One Message Align expectations with your co-parent—kids thrive when both homes feel predictable, not competitive. Share schedules, gift plans, and transitions in advance. 


Day 3: Three Deep Breaths For you and your child. A mini ritual—three slow breaths before leaving one home and entering the other—creates safety and grounding. 


Day 4: Four Feelings Allowed Joy, sadness, excitement, worry—children of divorce often feel all the feelings during the holidays. Normalize them. Hold space. Let them talk or take quiet time. 


Day 5: Five Quiet Minutes Build in small moments of stillness. Five calm minutes—reading, snuggling, a warm drink—can reset an overstimulated child. 


Day 6: Six Shared Traditions You don’t need identical homes. You need continuity. Choose one or two rituals both homes can honor— the same book, candle, countdown, or ornament. 


Day 7: Seven Gentle Transitions Holiday transitions are extra tender. Keep handoffs calm, on time, and conflict-free. Kids feel every raised eyebrow and tight jaw—protect the transfer. 


Day 8: Eight Words That Change Everything Tell your child: “It’s okay to enjoy time in both homes.” This lifts the heaviest emotional burden children carry. 


Day 9: Nine Names for Gratitude At dinner or bedtime, name nine things you’re grateful for—big or small. Gratitude regulates the nervous system and builds resilience after divorce. 


Day 10: Ten Minutes to Prepare Preview the day. Map the plan. Kids feel safer when they know what’s coming—especially in holiday chaos. 


Day 11: Eleven Hands Helping Let your child help decorate, bake, wrap, choose, or create. Agency equals empowerment—especially during times of family change. 


Day 12: Twelve Lights of Love Whether it’s lights, candles, trees, menorahs, stars, lanterns, or cocoa at bedtime— end the season with symbols of warmth, togetherness, and hope. Let your child feel the glow of two homes that care about their heart, not their schedule. ❄️ Your child won’t remember who had which day or which house had better decorations. They’ll remember how the holidays felt— calm, connected, and full of care. You’re not just co-parenting the season. You’re shaping their lifelong memories of what love looks like in two homes.

By William Hogg LL.M June 10, 2026
Reflection from William Hogg LL.M: I am writing this on the flight back to London, which probably explains the slightly scattered nature of what follows. I have just spent three days in Basel and I am still letting it all sink in. I had been looking forward to this conference for a long time. It did not disappoint. Basel was a wonderful setting, and the programme gave us a lot to think about. There were moments where the quality of discussion really stood out, not because it felt overly polished, but because people were speaking from experience. From 4th to 6th June, I joined professionals from across Europe for a conference on ethical challenges in Collaborative Law and Practice, hosted by Collaborative Law & Practice Switzerland together with the European Network for Collaborative Practice . As a board member of the ENCP, and of the Family Mediators Association here in the UK, this is a community I have been part of and championed for years. Being in Basel with so many of its members in person was a genuine pleasure. Lawyers, mediators, financial advisers and coaches. People who spend their working lives with families at the worst moments those families will ever face. There was something unusual about being in a room like that. Everyone seemed to be there for the same reason, and it was not really a commercial one. They wanted to know how to do this work better. How to cause less damage. How to help people get through separation with a bit more of their dignity intact. That is what I have come away thinking about most. We tend to talk about family law in technical language. Disclosure, negotiation, orders, hearings, outcomes. All of it matters and none of it is going away. But underneath every one of those words is a person who is frightened, grieving, or watching a future they had planned for simply dissolve. Collaborative Practice starts from that fact rather than working around it. It asks us to care about how someone arrives at the answer, not only what the answer is. For anyone who has not come across it, Collaborative Law is a structured way of resolving family matters without going to court. The clients and their advisers agree to work things out around a table. It relies on honesty, good preparation, and a genuine willingness to solve the problem instead of trying to win. That idea is not new. What felt new in Basel was how hard people are now pushing on the detail. How do you build a proper team around a client. How do you spot a power imbalance before it does harm rather than after. How do you let a child's voice into the process without putting a child in the middle of it. How do you adapt when the person across the table is anxious, neurodiverse, or so overwhelmed they can barely take in what is being said. These are not seminar questions. They are the things that actually decide whether a case goes well or badly. The ethics theme ran through all of it, and rightly so. In Collaborative work ethics are not a footnote. They are the foundation. If one person does not feel safe enough to speak honestly, the process has already failed, however civilised it looks from the outside. If the advisers lose sight of who they are really there to serve, the trust that holds everything together starts to go. A room can be perfectly polite and still be deeply unfair. The same point kept coming back in different sessions. Goodwill on its own is not enough. You need skill, you need structure, and you need to keep questioning yourself. You have to be confident enough to give your client proper advice, and disciplined enough not to throw petrol on the conflict while you do it. You have to ask your client to be open, while accepting that openness is only possible if you have built the conditions for it. That is the part I find genuinely exciting. The principles are old. The way the ENCP and its members are developing them across Europe feels very much alive. There is a real appetite to keep improving, to borrow from how other jurisdictions do things, and to keep asking the uncomfortable question of whether the process is actually helping the families who use it. I came away energised and proud to be part of this community. A special mention to some of the standout contributions over the three days. Shireen B. Meistrich from the US, was excellent, as were lawyers Marc Sheridan and Jacinta Gallant , and Alicia Farran of Our FamilyWizard in the UK. Federica Marabini , Michela Tonini and Sofia Tremolada gave a superb group presentation as a Collaborative team from Italy, and Swiss speakers Titus Thoma and Stefanie Santschi rounded things off beautifully. Thank you all. You are a large part of what made the three days so worthwhile. One thing I keep returning to is that Collaborative work refuses the assumption that separation has to be a fight. Plenty of cases do need a courtroom. Some clients need the protection that only a court can give, and I would never pretend otherwise. Collaborative Practice is not for everyone, and anyone who sells it as a cure for everything is overselling it. But for the right people it can change everything. It gives them somewhere to be supported without being backed into a corner. It lets the hard conversations happen with someone in the room to guide them. It nudges everyone to look past the argument in front of them and towards the life the family still has to live. That matters most when there are children. Two people might stop being a couple and still have to spend the next twenty years being parents together. How the legal process is handled can make that future a little easier or a good deal harder. So, I am grateful to the organisers for three genuinely valuable days, and reassured that there is a serious, thoughtful community of people across Europe who care deeply about getting this right. I am not bringing home one tidy lesson. It is more a reminder. Family law can keep evolving. An established process can still feel fresh when people apply it with imagination and a bit of care. And when professionals work together properly, with integrity and real concern for the person in the middle of it, the client is the one who benefits. That is how we try to think about family law at Laurus . The question is never simply what the legal route is. It is what the right route is for this client, this family and this particular moment in their life. Basel was a good reminder of why that question is the one that matters.
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