Collaborative Divorce: A First Class Flight

by Elaine Silver. First published at collaborativepracticeflorida.com 8/5/2022

birds https://www.silverdivorce.com/blog/

My spouse travels a lot for business. When we travel for pleasure, we occasionally get upgraded to first class. We appreciate the difference—comfortable seats, more room, as much coffee, drinks, and food as we like.

The advantages of first-class travel – when it would be even better to teleport back home – got me thinking about the advantages of Collaborative Process Divorce. Divorce is hard and painful in the best of circumstances. Talk to anyone who’s been divorced. The ache of the process will bubble to the surface instantly.

But hear from someone who’s experienced Collaborative Process divorce, like my client – we’ll call her Jane – she will tell you how Collaborative Process changed her life. Jane learned how to run her own finances for the first time. She felt supported by a team that spent time educating her about the life-changing decisions she needed to make.

Jane wasn’t pressured to decide until she was ready. She didn’t waste time and money on cumbersome court rules, as she would have in a non-Collaborative process. Jane’s children were grown, yet the Collaborative divorce professional team provided the family guidance for repairing relationships among the children and both divorcing parents. And all of this was done privately, without exposing the family’s finances to the world in the court process.

Family Judges Face Gridlock and Crosswinds

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Most people think that divorce happens in front of a judge. But the reality is that over 95% of all divorce cases settle without a judge interfering in a family’s life. Having a judge decide your family’s future is the most traumatic outcome to a divorce.

People think the judge will “like me better.” They tell themselves, “The judge will see how awful my spouse is, and the judge will make a decision that’s more favorable to me.” The reality is judges are (mostly) good people trying to do the best they can, but with far too few resources and time.

In Florida, each divorce judge can have 2000 cases assigned to them. If you don’t make your own decisions, it can be a year or two before you get to a judge. And, when you do, you are one of thousands of cases the judge must manage.

Judges have to strictly follow rules. Judges can’t be as creative and flexible as a family making their own private decisions can be.

Collaborative Divorce – More than a Bag of Peanuts

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What is the “secret sauce” that leaves people who have experienced a smooth landing in the Collaborative Divorce Process (CDP) less traumatized and better equipped to move on with life?

First and foremost, the commitment of every professional on the CDP team is to do no harm. Our goal is to model respectful, kind, and constructive negotiations to help the divorcing couple create “interest-based” solutions, rather than to frame resolving issues as “win-lose” outcomes.

Second, CDP with an experienced flight crew, working together creatively, and pooling experience from their legal, mental health, and financial disciplines, guides the process efficiently and respectfully.

Collaborative Divorce Teams: Lawyers Guiding Clients to Calmer Skies

birds at ocean

How does that happen? The Collaborative Divorce process requires two Collaborative attorneys who sign agreements with their clients and with each other that they will not go to court. That way they focus all their energies on positive solutions, rather than keeping an eye on a litigation escape hatch.

Why hire an attorney who brags about being a “bulldog” or their results in court? Wouldn’t it be better to engage an attorney who focuses on the 95% likelihood that the divorcing couple is best situated to come up with their own solutions? Collaborative Divorce attorneys understand and promote that better choice.

All divorce lawyers in Florida must discuss the Collaborative Process with their clients. Hiring a family lawyer is like hiring a knee surgeon. If you need knee surgery, you want to hire the doctor who does knee surgery all day. You don’t want to hire a cancer specialist who’s only done a few knee surgeries. Same for your divorce lawyer. Ask lawyers you consult with about their experience with Collaborative Process. If instead they brag about their success in court, make sure you consult with a committed Collaborative Professional.

Putting on Your Own Oxygen Mask: Directly Communicating Your Goals

bird at ocean sunset

Experienced Collaborative lawyers encourage open, honest, and direct communications between the divorcing couple. The Collaborative Process is designed to help each family make better decisions, based on better information, in a timely fashion. To facilitate good decisions, the Collaborative team – professionals and clients – meet for two hours at a time, for as few or as many meetings as necessary, to help the family create doable and durable solutions.

The Collaborative team models respectful engagement on hard issues. If the couple is getting divorced, they’ve had many problems; failure to communicate is probably high on the list.

In the Collaborative Process, the couple communicates directly, with the help of their team, instead of inefficiently communicating through lawyers, who can escalate issues. Collaborative lawyers assist the couple to communicate directly to resolve conflict.

Collaborative Divorce Teams: Neutral Facilitators as Navigators

In Collaborative Process our navigator is often a psychologist, social worker, or licensed mental health professional. This communications expert helps keep the team in calm skies by facilitating communications between the couple.

young children walkingWhen there are minor children, the neutral facilitator works directly with the parents to create a Parenting Plan about decision making and time sharing for their kids. It is more efficient and less expensive to have the parents meet with one professional to design their Parenting Plan, based on the best interests of the children. In meeting directly with the facilitator, the parents begin to make co-parenting decisions together, as they’ll have to do after their divorce is resolved. The lawyers don’t need to be in the room. There are no courses in law school in what’s best for children when their parents’ divorce.

Collaborative Divorce Teams: Neutral Financial Professionals Guiding to a Soft Landing

flight

When helpful, a neutral financial professional will also be added to the Collaborative professional team.

In a non-collaborative divorce process, the clients pay the lawyers to gather financial information. Court “Mandatory Disclosure” rules require that clients send information back and forth through the lawyers. The rules require that reams of information be exchanged, including years of financial statements, tax returns, credit card statements, and banking statements. The lawyers need to review all the information from their clients before sending it to the “other side.” Clients spend enormous sums in legal fees in the “discovery” process.

Gathering financial information in the Collaborative Divorce is more efficient, effective, and less expensive. The Collaborative team engages one financial professional to collect, review, and help the clients understand all the necessary financial data. The neutral financial reports to both clients. One expert reviewing all the information results in better information at less cost.

pelican at seashoreIn Collaborative Process, we are open and transparent about professional fees. Neither spouse must worry about not having enough money for their lawyer. Both spouses are on an equal playing field for professional advice.

Planning for Turbulence: Addiction or Domestic Violence Issues in the Collaborative Process

People sometimes think the Collaborative Process won’t work if there are addiction or domestic violence issues in the family. Our experience with families with domestic violence, substance abuse, and mental health issues in the Collaborative Process shows that even in these challenging situations, we can help create better outcomes. We can bring more resources to the family in Collaborative Process to protect children and help families separate and heal.

In one Collaborative Process divorce, a spouse would have lost their job if the domestic violence were brought to court. Instead, we established safety for the family without impairing the spouse’s ability to earn a living, which benefited the entire family.

Mediation Can Be a Red-Eye Flight in a Turboprop

One other frequent question about Collaborative Process is: “But isn’t it like mediation?”

The goals of mediation and Collaborative Process are the same: to help the family make their own decisions. But mediation, as practiced with lawyers, often is done as a marathon, “shuttle diplomacy” session. The spouses and their lawyers might not schedule mediation until months after the case begins. They will often sit in separate rooms and the mediator will go back and forth conveying offers and counteroffers. The mediation can last for hours, with people making life-changing decisions when they are hungry, exhausted and possible angry and frustrated.

Collaborative Process – Quieting Cabin Noise

In contrast to mediation, the Collaborative Process takes place in regular, two-hour meetings. No one expects decisions will be made in a hurry and under pressure. Often the total hours spent in Collaborative Process team meetings are less than in a marathon mediation session. Couples make decisions thoughtfully, with good information, good advice, and without pressure.

Collaborating lawyers dispense with posturing and position-taking tactics commonly deployed in mediation. Instead, they quiet excess noise and focus constructively on clients’ goals and solutions.

Which Seat Will You Choose?

You have options for the path your divorce process takes. After a successful, peaceful, and respectful Collaborative Divorce, you and your family may feel as though you’ve had a “first class” flight, at no greater cost than the seats at the back of the airplane. So…which seat will you choose?

By William Hogg LL.M June 10, 2026
Reflection from William Hogg LL.M: I am writing this on the flight back to London, which probably explains the slightly scattered nature of what follows. I have just spent three days in Basel and I am still letting it all sink in. I had been looking forward to this conference for a long time. It did not disappoint. Basel was a wonderful setting, and the programme gave us a lot to think about. There were moments where the quality of discussion really stood out, not because it felt overly polished, but because people were speaking from experience. From 4th to 6th June, I joined professionals from across Europe for a conference on ethical challenges in Collaborative Law and Practice, hosted by Collaborative Law & Practice Switzerland together with the European Network for Collaborative Practice . As a board member of the ENCP, and of the Family Mediators Association here in the UK, this is a community I have been part of and championed for years. Being in Basel with so many of its members in person was a genuine pleasure. Lawyers, mediators, financial advisers and coaches. People who spend their working lives with families at the worst moments those families will ever face. There was something unusual about being in a room like that. Everyone seemed to be there for the same reason, and it was not really a commercial one. They wanted to know how to do this work better. How to cause less damage. How to help people get through separation with a bit more of their dignity intact. That is what I have come away thinking about most. We tend to talk about family law in technical language. Disclosure, negotiation, orders, hearings, outcomes. All of it matters and none of it is going away. But underneath every one of those words is a person who is frightened, grieving, or watching a future they had planned for simply dissolve. Collaborative Practice starts from that fact rather than working around it. It asks us to care about how someone arrives at the answer, not only what the answer is. For anyone who has not come across it, Collaborative Law is a structured way of resolving family matters without going to court. The clients and their advisers agree to work things out around a table. It relies on honesty, good preparation, and a genuine willingness to solve the problem instead of trying to win. That idea is not new. What felt new in Basel was how hard people are now pushing on the detail. How do you build a proper team around a client. How do you spot a power imbalance before it does harm rather than after. How do you let a child's voice into the process without putting a child in the middle of it. How do you adapt when the person across the table is anxious, neurodiverse, or so overwhelmed they can barely take in what is being said. These are not seminar questions. They are the things that actually decide whether a case goes well or badly. The ethics theme ran through all of it, and rightly so. In Collaborative work ethics are not a footnote. They are the foundation. If one person does not feel safe enough to speak honestly, the process has already failed, however civilised it looks from the outside. If the advisers lose sight of who they are really there to serve, the trust that holds everything together starts to go. A room can be perfectly polite and still be deeply unfair. The same point kept coming back in different sessions. Goodwill on its own is not enough. You need skill, you need structure, and you need to keep questioning yourself. You have to be confident enough to give your client proper advice, and disciplined enough not to throw petrol on the conflict while you do it. You have to ask your client to be open, while accepting that openness is only possible if you have built the conditions for it. That is the part I find genuinely exciting. The principles are old. The way the ENCP and its members are developing them across Europe feels very much alive. There is a real appetite to keep improving, to borrow from how other jurisdictions do things, and to keep asking the uncomfortable question of whether the process is actually helping the families who use it. I came away energised and proud to be part of this community. A special mention to some of the standout contributions over the three days. Shireen B. Meistrich from the US, was excellent, as were lawyers Marc Sheridan and Jacinta Gallant , and Alicia Farran of Our FamilyWizard in the UK. Federica Marabini , Michela Tonini and Sofia Tremolada gave a superb group presentation as a Collaborative team from Italy, and Swiss speakers Titus Thoma and Stefanie Santschi rounded things off beautifully. Thank you all. You are a large part of what made the three days so worthwhile. One thing I keep returning to is that Collaborative work refuses the assumption that separation has to be a fight. Plenty of cases do need a courtroom. Some clients need the protection that only a court can give, and I would never pretend otherwise. Collaborative Practice is not for everyone, and anyone who sells it as a cure for everything is overselling it. But for the right people it can change everything. It gives them somewhere to be supported without being backed into a corner. It lets the hard conversations happen with someone in the room to guide them. It nudges everyone to look past the argument in front of them and towards the life the family still has to live. That matters most when there are children. Two people might stop being a couple and still have to spend the next twenty years being parents together. How the legal process is handled can make that future a little easier or a good deal harder. So, I am grateful to the organisers for three genuinely valuable days, and reassured that there is a serious, thoughtful community of people across Europe who care deeply about getting this right. I am not bringing home one tidy lesson. It is more a reminder. Family law can keep evolving. An established process can still feel fresh when people apply it with imagination and a bit of care. And when professionals work together properly, with integrity and real concern for the person in the middle of it, the client is the one who benefits. That is how we try to think about family law at Laurus . The question is never simply what the legal route is. It is what the right route is for this client, this family and this particular moment in their life. Basel was a good reminder of why that question is the one that matters.
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