By Ann Kreindler-Siegel, LCSW, BCC, PLLC
USING COLLABORATIVE LANGUAGE
Transitioning to the use of collaborative language is one of the hardest adjustments with which couples who are divorcing struggle, yet doing so is one of the most important aspects of healthy coparenting and healthy uncoupling. While the use of legal language has been widely used for so many years it is both a difficult and recommended change for both professionals, and individuals to make.
Terms such as the “kids time” versus “my time,” or “your time,”or “mom’s time,” or “dad’s time,” are widely used interchangeably and yet the focus should always be on the children, when a couple that is separating, or divorcing, is trying to coparent their children. In addition, the terms “shared parenting” and “parenting time” are now much more accepted than “custody” just like spousal support is more widely accepted over the term alimony. Transitioning to the use of more appropriate language is something with which we all struggle yet so many attorneys and financial neutrals are often using old terminology depicting a legal and adversarial approach rather than a collaborative approach. There is obviously still a need for using legal language, where the binding legal documents are concerned, though in discussions with client’s, warmer language helps to soften the conversation and often allows for more amicable settlement terms.
In 5-way or 6-way Collaborative Divorce meetings, it is important to set ground rules and those ground rules should incorporate more appropriate language. Additionally, it is important to help people set healthy boundaries when discussing the issues to be resolved, while also encouraging them to listen to the other person’s perspective. Oftentimes people regularly interrupt each other in meetings, and it is important to encourage open listening instead.
Healthy communication is key for divorcing and separating couples in the transition. Without the use of healthy language couples often end up repeating the same conflicts and unhealthy patterns they engaged in throughout their marriage. As a divorce coach, my primary focus is on teaching couples to engage in productive settlement discussions, focus on a “getting to yes” approach of discussing interests not positions and learn to allow both parties to be heard, respected, and feel settled with the outcome. Collaborative Divorce is a process of working together to allow the best outcomes for couples, individuals, and especially children of divorced parents. The more we focus on language that makes the children the primary focus and respect to the other person, the easier moving forward will be for everyone.
Ann Kreindler-Siegel, LCSW, MSW, MAEd, SEP, BCC is a somatic experiencing psychotherapist & board certified coach who specializes in Collaborative Divorce coaching. She has been practicing in the profession of psychotherapy for over 25 years and has expanded her practice to provide divorce coaching to couples to support them through this transition in their lives and families.
